Update .1

3 Jun

…WELL finished 5.1. I did not try to uh…counter-jealous them? I told them. Truth and all. But did it stop? NO. Because they’re friends now and I was being “stupid” and “illogical”. WELL FUCK THAT. That’s what it means to be jealous. Irrational and paranoid and so on. And better or worse, it turned out half true. My bf did start loving my so. Nothing happened but even with that truth out, they didn’t stop until an intervention forced them apart. Yes, I am still bitter. How can I not be? I’m just  a very emotional person. Yes I cried during Toy Story 3. And Tangled. And…a gazillion other things. I can be a bitch too. I am a lot of things.  I just don’t think people can box things up as “Oh he’s jealous” or “She’s just crazy because she’s jealous” and etc. Sometimes there are actions caused by inexpiable origins. Most of the time though, there are some basis for it. People need to…really work things out with one another. *sigh* Thinking back on it…I didn’t approach it well. My bf, when confronted, confessed to me that there was a love for my so. I don’t know if they were being honest to me because they’re religious, trying to be a bf, trying to be honest to their self, or  whatever. It hurt. And then, because we were bf, I had to keep it a secret? UGH. Spoken in confidence. Things like that. Or maybe I was stupid. IDK. I kept it a secret though. For half a year! HALF A FUCKING YEAR. I tried to sway my so to hang out less. Or you know, spend more time with me but apparently, I’m a boring individual or something. Every moment they spend time, having fun, it was a stab in my heart. I hinted, I told them individually. But they never stopped and then…after a half a year of keeping this…this shit inside of me. I exploded. I broke down. All that time the negativity inside me consumed itself. I…just acted terrible. I didn’t like what I became and that drove it worse and worse. After that break down my bf sought religious help, was already a devoted Christian…maybe why the admittance to liking my SO cause they’re not a Christian? IDK…in retrospect maybe my bf was an ass. But hey…love right? Anyways they cut ties with my SO. My so was heartbroken. Lost a friend. Went into denial about my bf liking them. And acted like everything was fine. Yeah. YEAH. I kinda pretty much decided then that this wasn’t for me. This…relationship. We loved each other so much, I know. 6 years. Supposed to be high school sweethearts. But we just couldn’t talk. Our…environment changed too much and we couldn’t adjust together. I talk about this a lot to my friends. Even if it has been 3 years since. And they say to me “You’re still hung up on that? Get over it?” Although I say “Yeah, sure” In my mind and heart I know I can’t. Its not possible. I gave it 6 years of my heart. I was terrible at it. I never knew what to do or how to be. But those emotions were real and I can’t store it in a box and lock it in the attic. Its a part of me. So I feel Jake. Honestly think the episode shouldn’t have ended as if it was Jake’s fault. Still funny that Lady Rainbow..Unicorn? Yeah I still have issues with names. Speaks in Korean. 😡




3 Jun

Well…still no official job. I did get an offer at a temp agency but I was panicing over living situation so I had to turn it down. And I guess truthfully…I was 70% scared of accepting that responsibility. WELL still searching and applying. I watched all of the HP series. Finally. And Snape…almost cried during his segment. I came to teary eyes. And then I watched Wreck-it-Ralph. Even though it was all predictable. I almost cried at Ralph’s…fall. And then watched season one of Archer. Atm, I’m trying to watch Adventure Time. So WEIRD. So CONFUSING. And I can’t believe kids watch this. I guess being an adult I understand a lot more than what kids would? Currently on episode 5 and the feels. 5.1 I went through this. I introduced my love to my bf to get the best of both worlds. And it went badly. Haven’t finished this segment yet so I don’t know how it will end 😡 For me, after that whole fiasco, I lost two good friends. But only  episode 5 and wow. Really random borderline stereotyped high events. But so far, starfire as princess bubblegum? George Takai as a heart? And all that sly adult humor? I will continue to watch but I’m still not sure if I’m loving it.



21 May

Got a interview at an office temp job agency…..but my only non-jean pants…i have gotten fatter ^^; It fits but feels awkward.


16 May

I got into a very big fight with my mother. She wanted me to apply for a car sales job. I didn’t. I know that I have inadequate social skills to sell crap to people. Or maybe I just don’t want that job. I know that after 10 months of moving back…any job is better than no job. I know I need to do something but…I just hate it here. This place, this life. She kept making remarks alluding to my brother. Will I hit her? That she is doing it for my sake and not hers. That she doesn’t want me to get a job so I can give royalties to her. I never thought nor did any of that. Ever. I would never hit the woman that raised me for 23 years. She is my mother. Sure I talk smack sometimes about maybe how weird she is or naggy she is. But she’s my mother. The fact that she would allude to my asshat of a brother. The one that never calls her mother anymore. Insults her to her face. The one that shows no fidelity other than occasions that suit him. It hurts. I honestly am lost in this world. I have never been a positive person. Probably full of several mental problems. I know that I am negative. I probably have some case of not wanting to succeed. I try to understand why and all I tihink is my childhood. We were…never a family. I mean now, my siblings don’t ever talk to my mother out of their of volition. I haven’t heard a peep from my father in…6-7 years? Partially my fault but also he never wanted me. I know this from the way he treated me and the fact that my name came from a stranger. A nurse. My mother couldn’t name me due to tradition and my father said so. Yet my father didn’t want to name me so I got a name that is not even my own. My name is from a historical figure ffs.  I was abused as a kid. Probably a sex toy although not to any extreme extent. Wanting and trying to k ill yourself as a child is something no one ever has to go through. I know. There are millions out there who have it worst than me. At the same time, there are a million out there who have it better. Doesn’t that just make the world even more fucked up? I tried strangling my self earlier. I stopped because I know I would. But it was all their. The lack of air, the throbbing pain all over my skull. My teeth aching. My eyes bulging. My arms weakning their hold on the cord. I know that if I wanted to I would have to hang myself because if I tried it as I did, my arms would lose their strength before I can accomplish the task. But right now…life is just the pits. Yes, I have people that love me. I know its suppose to get better. I have like at least 60 years to look forward to. But right now… what use am I to the world? To my gf. What hopes do I have to make it to Japan? What hope is there for me to get a job with one job experience, a shitty major/degree. I have no special skills. I am not a genius . I am just an average person with severe self-esteem issues bought about by childhood trauma of being deemed worthless my the people closest to me. Yeah. Idk. And I am a fucking terrible child to cause my mother all this grief. I’m really sorry.

I don’t understand.

9 May

Is it a sad world? When you tell the truth and it somehow backfires…the world just seems a much darker place. I know it depends on how or what you’re telling the truth about but the word: Truth…when it makes things worse..just..makes life sadder. Is the world better in lie and deceit? The law, children stories, religion tells us no. And yet…how many people would rather be in happy marriage with kids and a house than learned of an unfaithful spouse and create a state of divorce and trauma for their kid. A medicine that could aleave them of their pain or cure them but is truthfully a placebo effect. That their kid is still a good child that doesn’t drink, do weed, or drugs. The world is not static enough for a straight answer. A man could kill a family and get away scott free if the evidence doesn’t add up or the y have the money to cover it up in legal fees and tampering evidence/witnesses. And yet, another man can kill the same man out of vengeance and be convicted.Idk, I’m just being doom and gloom. My SO’s grandmother passed and I’m just…bad at comforting. I never really knew my grandparents so I can’t relate. I have had deaths in the family but that didn’t really kick me either since she was a cousin I haven’t seen in years. That makes me a terrible person I assume…maybe I have just developed an indifferences to death. No, that’s not true. I wouldn’t be writing this if I was. I…am just bad at expressing. And you may wonder why I am not spending time with my SO as of this time its because ldr can only do so much.



28 Apr

After the second time of talking to my older sibling in this month after a couple years of silence. I thought reallly really hard about suicide. Not in a joking matter too. I don’t know how I would go thorugh with it but I might. Its because…I am going through the same thing they did cept they pulled out of it..through some means that I will not say. But having been in the same situation…usually sympathy is an entitlement yet nope. This older sib, nobody likes. Cept the divorced dad. And my mother whom gives a million chances to her kids. I mean the taunting, the showing off, the snobby rub-in-your-face ha-ha. It really doesn’t help me at all. I mean, this..perpetual state of doing nothing is driving me mad, yes. I can’t find a local job because I live in a remote location/also I moved her last year-ish so…I know nothing. My degree is “worthless”. I have no money. The only work experience I have had were volunteer and a service job in highschool. College was…terrible for the earlier half. Was in a deadbeat relationship that consumed well..that portion of life. My major is “easy” and honestly, it was. You read a lot, think, understand, contemplate, and write about it. My grades didn’t turn out stellar because..I believe my major gave a grimmer and more realistic look on humanity and how much it sucked. Some where along the lines of “In the beginning, the universe was made and then humanity evolved. That was a mistake thought nature.” The more I read about people the more I grew…broken. Disillusioned? Anyways…that’s my reasoning for my poor performance. Honestly, if I had the courage and knowledge that I could have changed my major and that graduating in four years really isn’t a do or die situation, I would have done it. But well, here I am. A year after graduating and nothing. I have accomplished nothing. Taking free online courses could only do so much. Getting rejected from basic teaching positions (since its me) is…still hurtful. Anyways, honestly I was really…really tempted to go through with formulating a plan for death yesterday. I mean, I got the rejection the day earlier, then my older sibling that makes me feel worse about myself…and pretty much all that has happen up to this point. I mean people going “What are you doing in your life? WHat do you plan to do with that major? What have you been doing this whole time? etc” I guess my biggest problem is my lack of a grand dream. I simply want to be able to afford a comfortable life. Be with the person I love, they’re in a different country atm…probably for a while, and well yeah. A comfortable life for me would be a condo. Not an american condo per say but like a floor in a building. Half a floor? That kind of thing. A kitchen, a bed room, and a guest and dining room. I would also want to buy some exercise equipment. I guess my little quaint life goal is too…small. It didn’t/doesn’t give me the drive to excel in anything. I don’t have a story or inspiration. I never watched a family member die of cancer (there have been deaths in the family/others i know) I did not experience blissful childhood (we were in poverty and moved a lot). I…just want to live. Yet….a year. I know my life expectancy is long. At least 80 years but…a whole year of…what the fuck am I doing and well..nothing. Anyways…I was at a severe end point yesterday and for some reason I felt like contacting one of my college friends. A frienemy. I kept my distance because everyone around me has their act together. They have a future. They have plans and I just couldn’t deal with that. I feel like a downer. Like a sour strawberry. I didn’t want to be part of that until I made something of myself and…I haven’t. It actually feels  worst. But anyways, I thought…I wonder how my frienemy would react if I contemplated suicide. And honestly, its really easy to off yourself. I would probably ask to donate my organs if they were usable and write some note about sorry to my mother for raising a pathetic child. and so on. Anyways, talking to my frienemy, I realized that I missed her. Her mean comments..or blunt I guess, always had a charm to it. Although I didn’t talk to her about thinking about suicide I did pretty much say “Hey there, I have done nothing with my life, kinda help me if you’d please but I know you’re busy so its okay”. We’re not really frienemies, friends but we just wanted a special title for our strange relationship so frienemy it was. So…yeah. Suicide has ebbed a bit. And if anyone reads this, which no one will, don’t…help. Don’t call the suicide hotline or w/e.  I’m not looking for attention. I’m looking for a job. (Hah, see what I did there?) I’m just expressing my thought…why not an actual journal instead of online? I guess..maybe somewhere I want at least one person to read it. I don’t know. Off I go 

-nrta (I always forget the abb.)

Well that didn’t go as planned.

27 Apr

Alright! Got rejected again. *sigh* at this rate, I will probably commit suicide. I mean seriously, companies wanted talented individuals or experienced. Of which I am neither. Well..I’m sure I have a talent in something, just haven’t figured it out yet. As for experience. I have none. Nothing. Na-da. People say go volunteer or intern and well…I need money to live. At the moment I am trying to minimalism the financial burden on my mother as much as possible. I’m such a terrible child to be depending on her at this age. Why is it so hard to simply…work.

Well back to job searching 😐 Aksi nt geographical location is crap so I can pretty much only do online -_-. hooray.