Ahaha

11 Apr

Well. Its over. I got dumped for not being a prospective partner for the future because of my current financial straits. Losing the faith and trust of the only person you need of is so bad that I can not even come up with an appropriate word for it. Its just devastating. Losing the light that guided you. Its probably my fault that we didn’t see eye to eye. I placed their existence higher than mine. And the distance is shit too. Twos is too long a wait for romance in this day and age of technology? Love won’t triumph shit. It should have been evident. First, the lack of trust. Then doubting level of love. Then break up. When you’re at a distance all you can do is put your faith in words. You can’t see the effort that people do. You don’t know what they’re doing or how they are. I had absolute faith but that backfired. I became…apathetic according to them. I don’t bother them by messaging everyday or seeming to show an interest in their everyday. I…I just don’t want to bother them. My life of trying to live is not exciting. I have no desire to impede and impose that boredom on anyone else. Even it its someone I love and wanted to share my future with. Especially at a distance. No pressure! But it seemed apathetic. And when questioned about it…it hurts like fuck. Because you did not do xyz it seems like you didn’t love me? Is love that easily defined or rebutted? Is four years that easy to forget? Everyone is lonely, even when they are not. For someone that has nothing in the environment…it gets crazy. Where I live, has an unemployment rate of 15%+. I’m on food stamps. I’m imposing on my parent. SO yes, I have to keep the peace. I have to follow most of what my host wishes. Is that bad? And the fucked up thing that ended the relationship was something not-so-earth-shattering. I mean breakups/cheating/falling out of love, etc are big ones. But me acquiring something for free as windfall became the catalyst that I don’t do jack shit and just sit around waiting for freebies. I never asked for this and it occurred through events entirely out of my hand. And it helped me get closer to traveling. I took it as an positive occurrence but NO. Because I didn’t come about through my blood, sweat, and tears per say, I fucked up. I broke a promise to get a job and travel there by the end of the year. It wasn’t even part of the terms rather, insinuated? FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK.

How is love so easily tossed aside? People, usually asked by one or the other, always become a couple because both agreed. But most breakups are by one party. Fucking shit. And then its expected that you accept it and let them be happy? How fucking selfish is that? What is wrong with fighting for your feelings? YES that is selfish. So are they! Love is selfish! They want to break up? THat’s being selfish. They had all the time, harboring these thoughts and wishes to break up. You get landed with it and to handle it. Unless you were prepared for it. THen yeah, it should end. But if you’re not, you’re left to clean up the mess. And it will take longer than the time they had to think. I mean, you get to wonder why the fuck it ended from a single incident that wasn’t even meant to be so explosive. And no one knows how shitty their situation is than themselves. I know I’m poor. I have been trying! ffs. No one likes being poor. There are things I want. There are places I want to go. I didn’t have a spark until recently as to what I want to be in the future. I didn’t have an outlet for a dream. I didn’t dream because I didn’t think I could. After 22 years, I wanted something. I wanted to be someone. But no. That spark is gone. Or is it. Well, the source is gone. I am at a  lost. Do I still pursue? Or do I wander this earth aimlessly again? I want to fight. Is that wrong? I don’t accept this decision when I have not done anything majorly wrong. My feelings are strong. I didn’t cheat. I was not unfaithful. I have all the faith in the world. So no. I will continue until I die. Even if it won’t happen. Even if the future changes from what I really want right now. My emotions are my own. Even if I can’t afford things. Even if I die. At the least, my heart is my own. Its a dream that has come after 22 years. I won’t let this go. Even if its different now by a bit. 

On a side note. Even if something like hell happens. Love is eternal. If you love someone, you love them. I can’t understand people that fall out of love. But…I also think love is finite. You can only give your heart so much before its empty.

Well, no one will read this anyways.

Take care for now.

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