Archive | November, 2013

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13 Nov

Also, my current gf is an year older than me so she has more patience for my bullshit. Except often…she’s more childish than I am. But…as the years grow…I worry. I’m…useless. Have been since I graduated and she’s getting older. In japan most people her age are getting/are married or soon. If I don’t  become something soon. I might lose her. But…how?

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13 Nov

Still nothing. My closest friend, my mother, my relatives. Everyone thinks I am addicted to online gaming or the internet but to me, they’re distractions from depression and suicidal thoughts. I can rationalize this because as a child, I was abused by my father, mentally/verbally/physically, and sort of sexually. My brother picked up the verbal/mental/physical abuse on me too. Erm. As in he would do his on variant of it on me too. I know that there are siblings out there that are physically rough with one another but I am not one of those. To deal with all this stress and sadness I would cry in the closet or to sleep and at some point of time, I couldn’t cry anymore. But I needed the release that crying brought me so I would do the only thing I could think of: I abuse myself. I would hit myself against the wall or just punch myself or the floor with my head and/or fists. I would also verbally abuse myself. Berating myself about how worthless I am and how unwanted I was out of three children. Which turns out was true for my father. Which I learned in college. I mean, no doubt, I had my suspicions but the truth still shocked me. I know that there are many factors, stress from work, life, different culture, children being general little shits, and so on but I did pine for his love even after my parents became divorced. Now the only link I have with him, aside from genetics, is my brother. He continually tries to connect me but his methodology and attitude comes off as asshole. It could the be the truth or I am too biased to see the truth. I’m sure in his eyes I seem like an ass too. Someone once told me I think too much and undoubtly, I do. And although I was…. gloomy and socialy withdrawn up to freashmen year of high school and then half of college again, there were some people that gave spark to my life. They helped me become a nice person. People like me for… well… me. D*** in middle school, my first crush. The talent and cheery attitude amazed me like a debris in the floating and unending space. ERm…shooting star. When I had to move to a different location and a new high school I, once again, feel into a moody depression. My crush, my few friends, all of them are gone. Oh, same thing happened for middle school. Without the crush part. And highschool is…well…dramatized. And sidenote, if there are any grammer errors or misspelt words, I’m not fixing it because chrome lags with wordpress an ungodly amount. Anyways highschool was difficult at the start. Took me two weeks before I made friends. I’m sure it happends to a lot of high schoolers but I was a very anti-social ball of get away from me. C******* broke through in a bizzare manner. And, I wish dearly now, I would’ve treasured her more. She was a wonderful person and friend but I moved on from her. I got some other friends and even a girl friend but I never treasured what C******* did for me. Then college hit. New place, new town, only one person I was close with in high school ewent there with me. It was my gf. So I wanted to cling to her. Something familar but I also wanted to find my own space. But…there was no C******* or D*** to help me this time. So as the darkness grew and crept closer, I look out to seemy only beacon, my girlfriend, find her own bubble of friends. I didn’t want to draw her into the darkness but honestly, at that point in our relationship, we shouldn’t have been together anymore. My fantasy and imaginative idea have hurt her too many times in high school and I have lost her trust and faith. We hardly communicated and had many many fights. But we clung to one another because… first love, highschool sweethearts, the only familiar fragment from our hometown. Most of this, I did not know at that time. It was mostly frustration and tears and anger at why we weren’t working out. And why…were we still together. So, I’m certain but someone has told me otherwise…. but I’m pretty sure cause I’m a depressing little freak ball, that I was not introduced to her bubble of friends until 2-3 weeks in. We lived in different dorms, she and I, so theres that too. The initial reception…impression…went god awfully terrible. I was a gloom doom ball of I hate everyone of you for taking her time from me. Which was true. I know, she tried to make time for us both but she cared more about them and how they felt/their opinion than me. And this knowledge consumed me for the next two years of college and will the be the drive behind many fights. Of course during every single fight, I try to be honest with her. I tell her where I’m coming from. Where does all this anguish and tears and anger come from. The reasoning and possible logic. It became lectures that neither of us wanted to be told or to tell but because she did not want to talk to me. To communicate with me because I have lost her faith and trust, she just cried. SO I did the talking for us. At some point I became dictoral over the speech and I asssume, I shut her down if she tried to converse with me. Truth or not…I do not know. And so, first impression went to pieces but turns out in those weeks that I was not introduced or refused to be introduced… she spoke negatively of me. She tried to hide me. She was ashamed of me. This isn’t a conjecture, I was told later in college when I became great friends with some of those people that judged me poorly. So theres that. And during this time, I found solace in my best friend in high school through online chat/gaming. My girlfriend got jealous so I wanted to incorporate them as my bonds in life. Unfortunatly my friend developed feelings for her and she confided in him greatly. As a friend that could understand her and is also a fragment of our hometown. I sensed this dveloping and I sought my friend out. He admitted it but knew that nothing would happen. It tormented him also because he was religious and this occurance was an affliction on his religious nature. So we both tried to get her to ease of f the friendliness. Spend less time with him. The more we pushed her away, the more she sought him for soverence. Not even sure that is a word or the righ tword. But this wordpress lag is  tiresome. ahem. I kept this knowledge and watched her continually pine for him for half a year. A foolish move no doubt, but I promised him as a friend. As a best friend, honor and all that. That I would keep it. Becausse I treasure every relationship I have. Friendship or love or work. Not school obviously because I did not do great in college. But I was dealing with this through most of college so…I think thats excusable. Anyways… it became so bad that I broke down one day and told her. She didn’t believe me and I called him assp and told him I broke our vow and his trust. At some point,  after this, he told her it was true and yet, she refused to believe it. My friend, seeking council from his religioon, came to the conclusion that he must cut ties from her as she has become more important to him than god. That’s how ridiculously strong of a love he had for her was. And I hope some part of that was because he was my best friend. So he cut did cut ties. And I cut ties from him. I know that he is a great man. A wonderful and humorous being. But… half a year of watching this develop… I can not be the same to him anymore. Even after this event, occasionally, my girlfriend would ask if I kept contact with him. Wondering how he was because he cut ties with her. She did not know I cut ties with him. I reminded her why the ties were cut and… to my amazement…she forgot that he liked her. He has said explicitly… I love you. And she forgot. Whether she fooled herself or she loved me too much to forget it, or its just her personality… its…absurd. But…her parents didn’t like me. They saw me as a gloomy antisocial, not good enough for our daughter thing. And..well… I was scared of them. Whom aren’t scared of parents. They are the god andgoddesses to mere mortals. Their wrath is infinate and mighty. So…bad impression again. Go me. Yayyy… Of my girlfriends six friends…well those are the core members she had like.. a whole family tree of friends…it was a friend thing I didn’t understood/wasn’t indoctrined into…. her two closest friend despised me.Her best guy friend thought I lacked chilvary and had a while to despise me mind you, the two weeks leading up to my reveal… he had a code and idealism of how couples should be and felt I did not measure up to it. That she should have dumped me. I honestly wanted to like him. We had many common features but He adopted an “you’re not good enough for my daughter” attitude. Again that weird family tree shit. And she listens to him. A lot. We’ll get back to that later. When the next best guy friend of your girl friend despises your guts, not to mention that his girl friend was my girl friend’s best friend… you get a lot stacked up against you. I was devestated and desolate. I knew that her group didn’t like me and to me…why should I like them. Return hate with hate, ya know. But.. in this time… a friend from highschool reconnected with me and advised me… make “her” friends “your ” friends. Then you won’t have this annimosity. So… I worked at it. two years I tried to attend their events, their gatherings. But because I lived at a different dorm, then sophmore year I lived across the town, and no car because I’m not rich nor did I understand jobs. Okay, sidenote, I did apply for a butt load of jobs in freshman year but my uni was looking for primarily engineer students so theres that rejection depression. And I never considered part time job in the form of fastfood or service because all my life it has been education priority. I didn’t listen because I put my relationship first. I have skipped classes when she needed me. I put her first as muchas I could. While dealing with the growing demons inside of me. We , in those two college years, did break up a few times but I think most of our breakups were reallly classifed as fights but we didn’t understand that because..first relationship. Every fight is an instant breakup. Even our friends got tired of that shit. But every fight, the result became worse. Her best friends grew more hate for me and it showed every gathering. I… I try. Every gathering I go to to try and be the better friend. I can sense the displeasure and hostility. It does not do well for me. And I can see the misery this caused for her and I.It pains me to see this. All the fights, all the misery. But I couldn’t be apart. Why she couldn’t…I don’t know. Personally… I spend all the time I had. Two years of college investing in HER friends. I never had a chance to be my owh. To make my own. groupie. So when I ended it. Because she would never. I t was…………………devestating. I would like to say more so for me than her but….no one can judge that. She told me some truths. Because of all the breakupp/fights, she couldn’t trust me. And that’s why she invested in her friends incase I become a liability and break up with her. She didnt’ communicate with me because I didn’t listen. In my defense…I trusted her. Ittold her what I’ve told you. My abuse as a child, my molestation. My fears. My pains. I guess…I jumped the gun in a relationship but that’s who I am. If I like you and trust you. You are a mirror of me. I will be honest and truthful to you. My secrets are yours. And I don’t know..I expected the same level. I guess…stupidly. Idiotically. I don’t know. But she didn’t work that way. She wanted to develop it first, brick by brick. Starting with trivial small talk. I didn’t respond to that well. btw this was in high school. Take example… I say… I was abused as a child. She will tell me what her little sister did today. I…did not give a god damn. In hindsight… the small stuff does matter if you love the person. But thats…pretty much where our relationship was doomed. All the way into college. She never communicated with me because she thought she can’t. She wanted a friend when we were suppose to be more than that. Better than that. I was not a story book character. I was real. It was devestating for me because I realize that once I broke it off ofr her. Most definatly foreve and never get back with her in the next year ideally more…. I would be alone. Her friends were her friends. Who would want me? I had no one to fall back onto cept my rommate whom was awesome. Has a n issue with responsibilities but still..a great friend. Like a brother. Other than that…no one. I invested in two years of college. By now, clicks have formed, club orders have been established. But… I cut it off. I could not stand watching her get poisoned by me. A hopeless relationship. Trying to defend someone you can’t trust or talk to. I mean…the only thing we did was have sex. That’s not what I want. I mean yeah…sex is great but there is suppose to be more than that in a relationship. We both loved each other deeply but there was an unsurmountable wall between us. So…as the song goes… I walked that lonely road. yes, I went there. After atwo or three months we tried to be friends. We had sex a few times. She was guilty afterwards And…as usual I consul her. Six years… six years is a very long time with lots of emotions. we still loved each other but shouldn’t be together until both of us have changed and grown up. Then summer happened. I met some wonderful classmates but couldn’t maintain friendship out of that. She came back. It was our third year. We were still trying to progress as friends and I met her new friends..ie her group of friends grew over the summer. And then I saw him. I  knew that he liked her. Turns out in the summer her best friends… the guy that hated me and his ex-girlfriend but still best friend that he’s willing to do a lot for ie helping her with her new boyfriend. yeah. THAT guy. That influences my girl friend/ex-girlfriend’s life heavely, tried to hook her up. And…it worked. I could see it in his eyes. Durin gthe sujmmmer, she was vulnerable we had sex once when she visited. I then learned sometime after that she met up with him and her best friend pair camp. So the start of my third year started with abang. When I met up with her a week after or so to talk I knew. She wanted us to be friends but she was also going to go out wiht him. I knew. I said no. I would not be your friend. As cruel as it is to you…even thogh I promised you I would try before summer started. I have to break that promise. I am not able to watch and be friends with you as you become someone else’s. Years from now..maybe. Just maybe. But at that point, no. And from there…my last contact was gone. I was left adrift in college with no close friends. But thankfully, out of the original 6, four of her friends, grew to like me. I mean, definatly I have some terribel traits but I was more enjoyable company thatn she was. Or they pitied me. Why not both. They tried to split their time with her and I. And I am grateful. I truely am. They saved me. But still..I had no full time friend. I couldn’t maintain any club attendence. Too depressed to get a job also job rejections. I found some solace in comic books…really interesting good stuff…but I was adrift. And graduated….that was in 2012. Nows almost 2014 and I haven’t gotten anywhere. I hear she’s doing swell. YOu know, after writing all of this…. she was right. She set up a fall back and she’s doing well due to her continngency plan. Me… I mean sure I got a new  girl friend in my half a year later. Well, six months after I cut all ties completely in the third year. But she lives in Japan. We have been in a long distance relationship for  more than two years. All the misery I incur were not alieved by her missing pressence. Even now though… I’m… No, I love her. She was my first love and six years…long time. Its not the kind where I want to be with her. Its…love. I truely think that no couple, once broken could be true friends again. At least, not initially. Years, even decades later maybe. But I’ve seen many couples/ex-s that become friends and I don’t think its real. My ex saw her best friends do it and thought I would be like that. That I could be like that. I can’t To me love is that strong. You can’t stathere and watch them love someone else. To me love is elfish. It starts with “I love you” I, me, my love for you. So…I still love my first crush, my ex. And my current and hopefully lasting love. But. I. Can’t. get. a job. I’m torn. and depressed. Do I want a career job, can I even get it? Or do I go for a temp/part time job? And then there are loans. And then my mother/relatives want to help me find a path in pharmacy or others. I have an interest in bakeery but… finances and can my gf wait? I…dont know my skills. I can type. I can learn. I… should have done many things. I should’ve made more friends. I should’ve made connections. I should have sought career counseling. But I didn’t. This life is mine and although I may  be a master of it. I have steered it wrong. So to conclude… All of this thougand pain and grief. This nightmare of thoughts, I put off by going to online games and image sites. I do apply online for jobs but…nothing. No avail. Yep……… yep. I could should be more productive. But I can’t finish any of the free online courses because…because I do NOT KNOW. I wonder if I can pick up art and be like van gogh. Channel any  pain and anguish I have into it. I did take art class in my years after my ex but I was terrible. But I could I guess. No one reas this anyways.