Lost

25 Jul

Honestly, I don’t know what I am doing or should be doing with my life. Its conflicting even as a child. They say, “be what you want to be, the sky’s the limit”or such. Then its “go to school, go to college, get a job”. But there’s also “your major won’t make money. Its hard to get a job in it. Its competitive. its not lucrative” So many contradictions. But in any case. Its been a year since I graduated. Technically like 8 days since I graduated. I have had a few temp jobs but that’s it. The last one being 3 weeks ago. I haven’t applied as much as I should but I have applied a lot of jobs. It just gets harder and harder to do it though. The same paper work, different jobs. It gets…harder to get up in the morning. Even volunteering is stressful, more so than it should ever be. I tried volunteering at a hospital and they asked me which field do I want? I was lost. Anyways, still am lost. What did I want to be growing up? I think a lawyer at one point, but then I was told they were evil and expensive to pursue. And then…that’s it. I honestly don’t know what I want. I’ve only been told, go to school, graduate. And I have done that. Of course, they also said my major is jobless and that is true, least for me. I didn’t change because I was afraid. I didn’t know what other alternative I had and also if I changed, would I finish in four? They were pushing and demanding that you finish in four. The finances, The orientation, fellow students all were telling you to finish in four. And well…here I am. I honestly don’t know who to talk to. My friends all have their own opinion and none of them really fit what I want to hear. What is it that i want to hear? I honestly don’t know. But none of the talks sat well with me. As for my best friend, he tries to encourage me and push me to believe myself and be confident and at one point got very angry at me. But its not a matter of confidence, its a matter of depression. I can’t believe if, up to this point, everyone has been throwing things over the fence at me. About my major. And well…here I am. Which also adds a bulldozer full of hellish thoughts and feelings. But the one thing that my best friend said to me that hurts the most was “Look at where I am (successful career job, half a month out of college, on way for masters) and look at you (graduated same time, jobless, hopeless)” I know he meant that to drive me, to put a passion in my heart but no. We were never at the same starting line. His family was better off. Rooted. I moved several times, low income family, divorced parents. He went to a private school with loans and parents money. I went to a public school with some grants and mostly loans. He found a major he wanted. I was to scared to explore due to financial obligations and..in general, stigmatized against changing. Oh well, thoughts of suicide and depression aside. I’m holding onto the hope that someday I’ll be somebody taht can look back and laugh at this. Along with the woman I love. Who is so far out of reach right now.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: