Update .1

3 Jun

…WELL finished 5.1. I did not try to uh…counter-jealous them? I told them. Truth and all. But did it stop? NO. Because they’re friends now and I was being “stupid” and “illogical”. WELL FUCK THAT. That’s what it means to be jealous. Irrational and paranoid and so on. And better or worse, it turned out half true. My bf did start loving my so. Nothing happened but even with that truth out, they didn’t stop until an intervention forced them apart. Yes, I am still bitter. How can I not be? I’m just  a very emotional person. Yes I cried during Toy Story 3. And Tangled. And…a gazillion other things. I can be a bitch too. I am a lot of things.  I just don’t think people can box things up as “Oh he’s jealous” or “She’s just crazy because she’s jealous” and etc. Sometimes there are actions caused by inexpiable origins. Most of the time though, there are some basis for it. People need to…really work things out with one another. *sigh* Thinking back on it…I didn’t approach it well. My bf, when confronted, confessed to me that there was a love for my so. I don’t know if they were being honest to me because they’re religious, trying to be a bf, trying to be honest to their self, or  whatever. It hurt. And then, because we were bf, I had to keep it a secret? UGH. Spoken in confidence. Things like that. Or maybe I was stupid. IDK. I kept it a secret though. For half a year! HALF A FUCKING YEAR. I tried to sway my so to hang out less. Or you know, spend more time with me but apparently, I’m a boring individual or something. Every moment they spend time, having fun, it was a stab in my heart. I hinted, I told them individually. But they never stopped and then…after a half a year of keeping this…this shit inside of me. I exploded. I broke down. All that time the negativity inside me consumed itself. I…just acted terrible. I didn’t like what I became and that drove it worse and worse. After that break down my bf sought religious help, was already a devoted Christian…maybe why the admittance to liking my SO cause they’re not a Christian? IDK…in retrospect maybe my bf was an ass. But hey…love right? Anyways they cut ties with my SO. My so was heartbroken. Lost a friend. Went into denial about my bf liking them. And acted like everything was fine. Yeah. YEAH. I kinda pretty much decided then that this wasn’t for me. This…relationship. We loved each other so much, I know. 6 years. Supposed to be high school sweethearts. But we just couldn’t talk. Our…environment changed too much and we couldn’t adjust together. I talk about this a lot to my friends. Even if it has been 3 years since. And they say to me “You’re still hung up on that? Get over it?” Although I say “Yeah, sure” In my mind and heart I know I can’t. Its not possible. I gave it 6 years of my heart. I was terrible at it. I never knew what to do or how to be. But those emotions were real and I can’t store it in a box and lock it in the attic. Its a part of me. So I feel Jake. Honestly think the episode shouldn’t have ended as if it was Jake’s fault. Still funny that Lady Rainbow..Unicorn? Yeah I still have issues with names. Speaks in Korean. 😡



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