:(

16 May

I got into a very big fight with my mother. She wanted me to apply for a car sales job. I didn’t. I know that I have inadequate social skills to sell crap to people. Or maybe I just don’t want that job. I know that after 10 months of moving back…any job is better than no job. I know I need to do something but…I just hate it here. This place, this life. She kept making remarks alluding to my brother. Will I hit her? That she is doing it for my sake and not hers. That she doesn’t want me to get a job so I can give royalties to her. I never thought nor did any of that. Ever. I would never hit the woman that raised me for 23 years. She is my mother. Sure I talk smack sometimes about maybe how weird she is or naggy she is. But she’s my mother. The fact that she would allude to my asshat of a brother. The one that never calls her mother anymore. Insults her to her face. The one that shows no fidelity other than occasions that suit him. It hurts. I honestly am lost in this world. I have never been a positive person. Probably full of several mental problems. I know that I am negative. I probably have some case of not wanting to succeed. I try to understand why and all I tihink is my childhood. We were…never a family. I mean now, my siblings don’t ever talk to my mother out of their of volition. I haven’t heard a peep from my father in…6-7 years? Partially my fault but also he never wanted me. I know this from the way he treated me and the fact that my name came from a stranger. A nurse. My mother couldn’t name me due to tradition and my father said so. Yet my father didn’t want to name me so I got a name that is not even my own. My name is from a historical figure ffs.  I was abused as a kid. Probably a sex toy although not to any extreme extent. Wanting and trying to k ill yourself as a child is something no one ever has to go through. I know. There are millions out there who have it worst than me. At the same time, there are a million out there who have it better. Doesn’t that just make the world even more fucked up? I tried strangling my self earlier. I stopped because I know I would. But it was all their. The lack of air, the throbbing pain all over my skull. My teeth aching. My eyes bulging. My arms weakning their hold on the cord. I know that if I wanted to I would have to hang myself because if I tried it as I did, my arms would lose their strength before I can accomplish the task. But right now…life is just the pits. Yes, I have people that love me. I know its suppose to get better. I have like at least 60 years to look forward to. But right now… what use am I to the world? To my gf. What hopes do I have to make it to Japan? What hope is there for me to get a job with one job experience, a shitty major/degree. I have no special skills. I am not a genius . I am just an average person with severe self-esteem issues bought about by childhood trauma of being deemed worthless my the people closest to me. Yeah. Idk. And I am a fucking terrible child to cause my mother all this grief. I’m really sorry.

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