Archive | May, 2013


21 May

Got a interview at an office temp job agency…..but my only non-jean pants…i have gotten fatter ^^; It fits but feels awkward.



16 May

I got into a very big fight with my mother. She wanted me to apply for a car sales job. I didn’t. I know that I have inadequate social skills to sell crap to people. Or maybe I just don’t want that job. I know that after 10 months of moving back…any job is better than no job. I know I need to do something but…I just hate it here. This place, this life. She kept making remarks alluding to my brother. Will I hit her? That she is doing it for my sake and not hers. That she doesn’t want me to get a job so I can give royalties to her. I never thought nor did any of that. Ever. I would never hit the woman that raised me for 23 years. She is my mother. Sure I talk smack sometimes about maybe how weird she is or naggy she is. But she’s my mother. The fact that she would allude to my asshat of a brother. The one that never calls her mother anymore. Insults her to her face. The one that shows no fidelity other than occasions that suit him. It hurts. I honestly am lost in this world. I have never been a positive person. Probably full of several mental problems. I know that I am negative. I probably have some case of not wanting to succeed. I try to understand why and all I tihink is my childhood. We were…never a family. I mean now, my siblings don’t ever talk to my mother out of their of volition. I haven’t heard a peep from my father in…6-7 years? Partially my fault but also he never wanted me. I know this from the way he treated me and the fact that my name came from a stranger. A nurse. My mother couldn’t name me due to tradition and my father said so. Yet my father didn’t want to name me so I got a name that is not even my own. My name is from a historical figure ffs.  I was abused as a kid. Probably a sex toy although not to any extreme extent. Wanting and trying to k ill yourself as a child is something no one ever has to go through. I know. There are millions out there who have it worst than me. At the same time, there are a million out there who have it better. Doesn’t that just make the world even more fucked up? I tried strangling my self earlier. I stopped because I know I would. But it was all their. The lack of air, the throbbing pain all over my skull. My teeth aching. My eyes bulging. My arms weakning their hold on the cord. I know that if I wanted to I would have to hang myself because if I tried it as I did, my arms would lose their strength before I can accomplish the task. But right now…life is just the pits. Yes, I have people that love me. I know its suppose to get better. I have like at least 60 years to look forward to. But right now… what use am I to the world? To my gf. What hopes do I have to make it to Japan? What hope is there for me to get a job with one job experience, a shitty major/degree. I have no special skills. I am not a genius . I am just an average person with severe self-esteem issues bought about by childhood trauma of being deemed worthless my the people closest to me. Yeah. Idk. And I am a fucking terrible child to cause my mother all this grief. I’m really sorry.

I don’t understand.

9 May

Is it a sad world? When you tell the truth and it somehow backfires…the world just seems a much darker place. I know it depends on how or what you’re telling the truth about but the word: Truth…when it makes things worse..just..makes life sadder. Is the world better in lie and deceit? The law, children stories, religion tells us no. And yet…how many people would rather be in happy marriage with kids and a house than learned of an unfaithful spouse and create a state of divorce and trauma for their kid. A medicine that could aleave them of their pain or cure them but is truthfully a placebo effect. That their kid is still a good child that doesn’t drink, do weed, or drugs. The world is not static enough for a straight answer. A man could kill a family and get away scott free if the evidence doesn’t add up or the y have the money to cover it up in legal fees and tampering evidence/witnesses. And yet, another man can kill the same man out of vengeance and be convicted.Idk, I’m just being doom and gloom. My SO’s grandmother passed and I’m just…bad at comforting. I never really knew my grandparents so I can’t relate. I have had deaths in the family but that didn’t really kick me either since she was a cousin I haven’t seen in years. That makes me a terrible person I assume…maybe I have just developed an indifferences to death. No, that’s not true. I wouldn’t be writing this if I was. I…am just bad at expressing. And you may wonder why I am not spending time with my SO as of this time its because ldr can only do so much.