28 Apr

After the second time of talking to my older sibling in this month after a couple years of silence. I thought reallly really hard about suicide. Not in a joking matter too. I don’t know how I would go thorugh with it but I might. Its because…I am going through the same thing they did cept they pulled out of it..through some means that I will not say. But having been in the same situation…usually sympathy is an entitlement yet nope. This older sib, nobody likes. Cept the divorced dad. And my mother whom gives a million chances to her kids. I mean the taunting, the showing off, the snobby rub-in-your-face ha-ha. It really doesn’t help me at all. I mean, this..perpetual state of doing nothing is driving me mad, yes. I can’t find a local job because I live in a remote location/also I moved her last year-ish so…I know nothing. My degree is “worthless”. I have no money. The only work experience I have had were volunteer and a service job in highschool. College was…terrible for the earlier half. Was in a deadbeat relationship that consumed well..that portion of life. My major is “easy” and honestly, it was. You read a lot, think, understand, contemplate, and write about it. My grades didn’t turn out stellar because..I believe my major gave a grimmer and more realistic look on humanity and how much it sucked. Some where along the lines of “In the beginning, the universe was made and then humanity evolved. That was a mistake thought nature.” The more I read about people the more I grew…broken. Disillusioned? Anyways…that’s my reasoning for my poor performance. Honestly, if I had the courage and knowledge that I could have changed my major and that graduating in four years really isn’t a do or die situation, I would have done it. But well, here I am. A year after graduating and nothing. I have accomplished nothing. Taking free online courses could only do so much. Getting rejected from basic teaching positions (since its me) is…still hurtful. Anyways, honestly I was really…really tempted to go through with formulating a plan for death yesterday. I mean, I got the rejection the day earlier, then my older sibling that makes me feel worse about myself…and pretty much all that has happen up to this point. I mean people going “What are you doing in your life? WHat do you plan to do with that major? What have you been doing this whole time? etc” I guess my biggest problem is my lack of a grand dream. I simply want to be able to afford a comfortable life. Be with the person I love, they’re in a different country atm…probably for a while, and well yeah. A comfortable life for me would be a condo. Not an american condo per say but like a floor in a building. Half a floor? That kind of thing. A kitchen, a bed room, and a guest and dining room. I would also want to buy some exercise equipment. I guess my little quaint life goal is too…small. It didn’t/doesn’t give me the drive to excel in anything. I don’t have a story or inspiration. I never watched a family member die of cancer (there have been deaths in the family/others i know) I did not experience blissful childhood (we were in poverty and moved a lot). I…just want to live. Yet….a year. I know my life expectancy is long. At least 80 years but…a whole year of…what the fuck am I doing and well..nothing. Anyways…I was at a severe end point yesterday and for some reason I felt like contacting one of my college friends. A frienemy. I kept my distance because everyone around me has their act together. They have a future. They have plans and I just couldn’t deal with that. I feel like a downer. Like a sour strawberry. I didn’t want to be part of that until I made something of myself and…I haven’t. It actually feels  worst. But anyways, I thought…I wonder how my frienemy would react if I contemplated suicide. And honestly, its really easy to off yourself. I would probably ask to donate my organs if they were usable and write some note about sorry to my mother for raising a pathetic child. and so on. Anyways, talking to my frienemy, I realized that I missed her. Her mean comments..or blunt I guess, always had a charm to it. Although I didn’t talk to her about thinking about suicide I did pretty much say “Hey there, I have done nothing with my life, kinda help me if you’d please but I know you’re busy so its okay”. We’re not really frienemies, friends but we just wanted a special title for our strange relationship so frienemy it was. So…yeah. Suicide has ebbed a bit. And if anyone reads this, which no one will, don’t…help. Don’t call the suicide hotline or w/e.  I’m not looking for attention. I’m looking for a job. (Hah, see what I did there?) I’m just expressing my thought…why not an actual journal instead of online? I guess..maybe somewhere I want at least one person to read it. I don’t know. Off I go 

-nrta (I always forget the abb.)


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