Aside 16 Apr

I made a Tumbler. But I am afraid to use it. Can you be tech-phobic? Like FB. Twitter, Reedit, etc. Maybe its just social mediums. Well, I write here because I know noone reads it. My gibberish.

I feel like admitting something. Whether it be a delusion, illusion, or simply a desire. Or a thought.

I do not like my sex. I really really don’t. I honestly think that I would have been happier if I was born different. Then again…doesn’t everyone? If I was richer, smarter, prettier, skinnier, better, etc. I guess many people (me too) don’t appreciate what they have. BUT (as with everything) there is always the opposite. What they could have have. I believe in the parallel universe theory along with the web theory. Scientific names be damned. Science too. I mean, I like science and all but all we have are  a bunch of people whom are smarter than the average populace tell them “truths” that they can not see for their own eyes. Like math. To me, it should all be taken in with one eye open and one eye closed. Nothing is absolute in this world other than life and death. I guess that makes two. “Perception drives reality” is what I really believe in. Other than life and death. I know, ordering is all foggy. When we learn of math and science, we believe in them and that they are true. But history always has shown falsehood or wrongs in all fields. What you know today may change tomorrow. blah blah. Tangent.

I believed that with my current knowledge, if I were born in a different body, I would be happier. But I can’t change that. short of physical change but that is not what I want. Not this…surgical alteration. If I was born opposite and yet live the same path I have taken to now. I would like to believe that I would be happier. I will defiantly be homosexual. Maybe bi at points. But I, being one of them, can not stand my own sex. Well friends, sure. Lovers…long shot. 

Another admittance.

I was most defiantly sexually abused as a child. Although I am unsure if it could be fully considered sexual abuse…if a child is fiddled with, its it to me. I wouldn’t say that I am traumatized by it (because I’m writing about it) but…its there. I only told this to my partner and close friends but… that trust was neglected by my partner. I don’t understand if it was the immaturity of the brain. The incapability to deal with such problems or they simply wish to hurt me but it did not go as planned. Yes, I am bitter about that episode of my life. *sigh* but still. I have many years to go through.

Side…How do people deal with heavy things? A death in a family be it your own or people with close dies. I have been told of many deaths by people I care about. My current lover’s grandmother passed away, my friend’s grandfather, my cousin, and others that cease to live. I do not know what to do. I don’t want to say “I’m sorry for your loss”. It seems so…generic. Like a get well card. I want to express my sympathies. But I knew them not. I feel terrible that it happened to you but…what else can I say? What else could I do? I am sorry for not being able to support you. I…am not good (who can be?) at this.

Another schrodinger cat (ie for better or worse):

I was psychologically scared? Not scar. Umm…like…its a tick in my head. I am reminded of it but it doesn’t cause me immediate grief or trauma. Its there. Probably. No, absolutely forever. I was, for…some portion of my childhood, given a different name. Some would say “nickname”. I was called “Gay”. By some of my family members. Instead of my actual name. I…am not. Not currently. As earlier stated, if I was born different, most defiantly. But the current me. This me. Is straight. If I see a handsome rugged man or a sexy woman though, I won’t not acknowledge that. Give credit when credit is do. But yes.



Based on I guess..this whole post. I have always wanted to cosplay. Crossdress (like very distinct between male or female) but I have never had teh courage to do so. And now, two decades of my life in, I am sooooooooooooo damn poor. Gotta get work. Need to be paid. 

By this time next year…I better be better.

Things, places. 
No one reads this anyways.


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