Archive | April, 2013

Frienemy

28 Apr

After the second time of talking to my older sibling in this month after a couple years of silence. I thought reallly really hard about suicide. Not in a joking matter too. I don’t know how I would go thorugh with it but I might. Its because…I am going through the same thing they did cept they pulled out of it..through some means that I will not say. But having been in the same situation…usually sympathy is an entitlement yet nope. This older sib, nobody likes. Cept the divorced dad. And my mother whom gives a million chances to her kids. I mean the taunting, the showing off, the snobby rub-in-your-face ha-ha. It really doesn’t help me at all. I mean, this..perpetual state of doing nothing is driving me mad, yes. I can’t find a local job because I live in a remote location/also I moved her last year-ish so…I know nothing. My degree is “worthless”. I have no money. The only work experience I have had were volunteer and a service job in highschool. College was…terrible for the earlier half. Was in a deadbeat relationship that consumed well..that portion of life. My major is “easy” and honestly, it was. You read a lot, think, understand, contemplate, and write about it. My grades didn’t turn out stellar because..I believe my major gave a grimmer and more realistic look on humanity and how much it sucked. Some where along the lines of “In the beginning, the universe was made and then humanity evolved. That was a mistake thought nature.” The more I read about people the more I grew…broken. Disillusioned? Anyways…that’s my reasoning for my poor performance. Honestly, if I had the courage and knowledge that I could have changed my major and that graduating in four years really isn’t a do or die situation, I would have done it. But well, here I am. A year after graduating and nothing. I have accomplished nothing. Taking free online courses could only do so much. Getting rejected from basic teaching positions (since its me) is…still hurtful. Anyways, honestly I was really…really tempted to go through with formulating a plan for death yesterday. I mean, I got the rejection the day earlier, then my older sibling that makes me feel worse about myself…and pretty much all that has happen up to this point. I mean people going “What are you doing in your life? WHat do you plan to do with that major? What have you been doing this whole time? etc” I guess my biggest problem is my lack of a grand dream. I simply want to be able to afford a comfortable life. Be with the person I love, they’re in a different country atm…probably for a while, and well yeah. A comfortable life for me would be a condo. Not an american condo per say but like a floor in a building. Half a floor? That kind of thing. A kitchen, a bed room, and a guest and dining room. I would also want to buy some exercise equipment. I guess my little quaint life goal is too…small. It didn’t/doesn’t give me the drive to excel in anything. I don’t have a story or inspiration. I never watched a family member die of cancer (there have been deaths in the family/others i know) I did not experience blissful childhood (we were in poverty and moved a lot). I…just want to live. Yet….a year. I know my life expectancy is long. At least 80 years but…a whole year of…what the fuck am I doing and well..nothing. Anyways…I was at a severe end point yesterday and for some reason I felt like contacting one of my college friends. A frienemy. I kept my distance because everyone around me has their act together. They have a future. They have plans and I just couldn’t deal with that. I feel like a downer. Like a sour strawberry. I didn’t want to be part of that until I made something of myself and…I haven’t. It actually feels  worst. But anyways, I thought…I wonder how my frienemy would react if I contemplated suicide. And honestly, its really easy to off yourself. I would probably ask to donate my organs if they were usable and write some note about sorry to my mother for raising a pathetic child. and so on. Anyways, talking to my frienemy, I realized that I missed her. Her mean comments..or blunt I guess, always had a charm to it. Although I didn’t talk to her about thinking about suicide I did pretty much say “Hey there, I have done nothing with my life, kinda help me if you’d please but I know you’re busy so its okay”. We’re not really frienemies, friends but we just wanted a special title for our strange relationship so frienemy it was. So…yeah. Suicide has ebbed a bit. And if anyone reads this, which no one will, don’t…help. Don’t call the suicide hotline or w/e.  I’m not looking for attention. I’m looking for a job. (Hah, see what I did there?) I’m just expressing my thought…why not an actual journal instead of online? I guess..maybe somewhere I want at least one person to read it. I don’t know. Off I go 

-nrta (I always forget the abb.)

Well that didn’t go as planned.

27 Apr

Alright! Got rejected again. *sigh* at this rate, I will probably commit suicide. I mean seriously, companies wanted talented individuals or experienced. Of which I am neither. Well..I’m sure I have a talent in something, just haven’t figured it out yet. As for experience. I have none. Nothing. Na-da. People say go volunteer or intern and well…I need money to live. At the moment I am trying to minimalism the financial burden on my mother as much as possible. I’m such a terrible child to be depending on her at this age. Why is it so hard to simply…work.

Well back to job searching 😐 Aksi nt geographical location is crap so I can pretty much only do online -_-. hooray.

More

22 Apr

I like watching movies. Genre wise..anything I guess. Recently, as in the last month, I have seen like..10 movies.
-Casablanca (I knew it was famous but I wanted to watch it because of the famous lines)
-Easy A (Due to seeing the gif with “Oh, BURN”…cept that was taken out of context… but I don’t regret it. Its a pretty nice movie. Funny, social commentary, witty, and   delightful. Also some very nice lines like “I hope you at least used a condom.” “Why? Your parents didn’t.”
-Imagine Me & You (gif again: “Am I gay? I’m Ecstatic!” I liked it. Also I saw the two mains from The Descent. So the chemistry was nice~ kind of like Mr and Mrs Jones. I just wish it was longer. Anthony Steward Head was a surprise appearance. The line: “If I killed her when I first thought about it, I would be a free man by now…” also H is adorable! As her origin story~
“Call me Miss President!” xD
Oh, on reflection I don’t mean to say that Kiss Me is more emotional than Imagine Me&You or that Imagine Me&You is poorly reflected in the emotional department. Its just a…different feeling. IM&Y is more…magical. Fantasy. While KM is more..grounded. Realistic? God I’m terrible at descriptions/explanations.
-Django Unchained (Its Tarantino! I don’t know what to make of it. I guess it is amusing a bit overly bloody but overall a decent film. Didn’t really spark much…spark. Reservoir Dogs had the whole false name mystery, Kill Bill had a numerous characters with a revenge story that spanned two and theoretically a third one, Pulp Fiction was…yeah. Inglorious Bastards was WWII with Brad Pitt. You can almost never go wrong with a  war film. But the acting was very nice on everybody. Couldn’t even recognize the evil nazi as the doctor 🙂 And Leonardo being evil…wow. I haven’t seen anyone get past their typecasting that well save..the next film.
– One Hour Photo (Saw it on a horror blog. I don’t know why. I’m scared easily yet I have a fascination with horror games/films. Not so much in books…rather the last horror books I have read were RL Stine and those scary “More horror stories” book. Anyways. Robin Williams. Wow. Its probably because it is Robin Williams that the creepy factor ramp up phenomenally  Not…as much horror more but..suspense. Like less American slasher horror but suspense. Japanese horror. Like in terms of gaming, more Silent Hill 1-3 (haven’t played past 3…and I didn’t like 5 much) than Resident Evil)
-The Mist 2007 (From the same horror site. I…got freaked out by the creatures in the mist. Mostly the bug parts. And the ending. 😦 I hated the religious lady. But I wonder what happened to the people in the market place… Also it was a surprise to see two cast members from Walking Dead.)
-Kiss Me/Kyss Me (Recommended from Imagine Me&You. Its a similar deal. Woman finding true love while in a committed relationship with a man. Yet Kiss Me for me seems…so..different. It felt unnatural and well..I guess more real? The girl, that found love, there is no guarantee they’ll be together in the future. As the blonde one left her original partner for the new-found one. And based on the subtitles I speculate that the same thing happened to her before. She got persuaded to peruse her love and then now she leaves for another. The second (out of order) thing is that the new-found was stranded on an island with her new step family. She was freaking out and based on her personality I felt that she had a very rapid progression of Stockholm Syndrome. The third gripe was…the chemistry between everyone. The father to daughter. The new-found along with her fiance. Its so…odd. I imagine its because it felt more realistic than fantasy but a movie is…well movie. I’m unsure.)
-The Truman Show (I have always meant to watch this in its entirety. Its..well..good.)

And…that’s all I believe.

Mmmmm

I am done. I was planning to revel some things but I…got lost. On a side note, rewatching Imagine Me&You and it got me thinking.

Does love at first sight exist? I believe it does. Have I experienced it? Nope. I am in a wonderful relationship. A very kind and understanding person. Childish. Much too childish at times but I guess I am used to it. My first relationship was so much catering. But..it wasn’t all bad. Although, I only gripe about it to everyone. It was a long duration so..I don’t think I will forget it ever. Not that I would want to. I believe that once you love a person, really love them, you will always love them. No matter how much they may have hurt you. Its there in your heart. Anyways. I…want to experience that love at first sight. The ones talked about in the movies, songs, and books. The breath stopping, time stopping, second and third glance to make sure they exist kind of love. The kind where chemistry flies in the air and you are just burn up in the night. I…in college, fell in love with a person. I only talked with them once and never saw or talked to them again. Yet, I always look around but I no longer remember the face but the feeling of searching for them. I guess that was love at sight for me. But it was a building interest that left me with nothing but regret. Then again, words and feelings unspoken are..well…unspoken. My first relationship was matched/egged on by friends. My current relationship (I haven’t been in much, shush) was in truth, a slight misunderstanding at the start but now it is wonderful. I don’t regret it at all because regret..regret is something you do when you did not do enough. You did something wrong.

So..I want to experience that fantasy flare. I, however, hold no illusions about love. Its hard work. its taking shit from one another and working through it. You compromise. You communicate. Love is selfish. You each had your own ideals and you’ve to work it out together. Well..I am mentally and emotionally tired. I feel like crying some reason…thinking about my firsts.

I am terrible with social cues. Apparently I have been hit on before and I totally blew it. ANYWAYS rest/sleep time.

-Nobody reads this anyways!

Aside 16 Apr

I made a Tumbler. But I am afraid to use it. Can you be tech-phobic? Like FB. Twitter, Reedit, etc. Maybe its just social mediums. Well, I write here because I know noone reads it. My gibberish.

I feel like admitting something. Whether it be a delusion, illusion, or simply a desire. Or a thought.

I do not like my sex. I really really don’t. I honestly think that I would have been happier if I was born different. Then again…doesn’t everyone? If I was richer, smarter, prettier, skinnier, better, etc. I guess many people (me too) don’t appreciate what they have. BUT (as with everything) there is always the opposite. What they could have have. I believe in the parallel universe theory along with the web theory. Scientific names be damned. Science too. I mean, I like science and all but all we have are  a bunch of people whom are smarter than the average populace tell them “truths” that they can not see for their own eyes. Like math. To me, it should all be taken in with one eye open and one eye closed. Nothing is absolute in this world other than life and death. I guess that makes two. “Perception drives reality” is what I really believe in. Other than life and death. I know, ordering is all foggy. When we learn of math and science, we believe in them and that they are true. But history always has shown falsehood or wrongs in all fields. What you know today may change tomorrow. blah blah. Tangent.

I believed that with my current knowledge, if I were born in a different body, I would be happier. But I can’t change that. Well..in short of physical change but that is not what I want. Not this…surgical alteration. If I was born opposite and yet live the same path I have taken to now. I would like to believe that I would be happier. I will defiantly be homosexual. Maybe bi at points. But I, being one of them, can not stand my own sex. Well friends, sure. Lovers…long shot. 

Another admittance.

I was most defiantly sexually abused as a child. Although I am unsure if it could be fully considered sexual abuse…if a child is fiddled with, its it to me. I wouldn’t say that I am traumatized by it (because I’m writing about it) but…its there. I only told this to my partner and close friends but… that trust was neglected by my partner. I don’t understand if it was the immaturity of the brain. The incapability to deal with such problems or they simply wish to hurt me but it did not go as planned. Yes, I am bitter about that episode of my life. *sigh* but still. I have many years to go through.

Side…How do people deal with heavy things? A death in a family be it your own or people with close dies. I have been told of many deaths by people I care about. My current lover’s grandmother passed away, my friend’s grandfather, my cousin, and others that cease to live. I do not know what to do. I don’t want to say “I’m sorry for your loss”. It seems so…generic. Like a get well card. I want to express my sympathies. But I knew them not. I feel terrible that it happened to you but…what else can I say? What else could I do? I am sorry for not being able to support you. I…am not good (who can be?) at this.

Another schrodinger cat (ie for better or worse):

I was psychologically scared? Not scar. Umm…like…its a tick in my head. I am reminded of it but it doesn’t cause me immediate grief or trauma. Its there. Probably. No, absolutely forever. I was, for…some portion of my childhood, given a different name. Some would say “nickname”. I was called “Gay”. By some of my family members. Instead of my actual name. I…am not. Not currently. As earlier stated, if I was born different, most defiantly. But the current me. This me. Is straight. If I see a handsome rugged man or a sexy woman though, I won’t not acknowledge that. Give credit when credit is do. But yes.

 

Desire!

Based on I guess..this whole post. I have always wanted to cosplay. Crossdress (like very distinct between male or female) but I have never had teh courage to do so. And now, two decades of my life in, I am sooooooooooooo damn poor. Gotta get work. Need to be paid. 

By this time next year…I better be better.

Things, places. 
No one reads this anyways.

Still alive

11 Apr

Well..throbs gone. But on the other hand..more problems. I apparently ripped my thigh muscles. Too much exercise at once. So its painful and annoying to sleep. Why is it that everytime I go “Ima start exercising” I hurt myself? I mean last time I started doing sit-ups I caught a cold. I understand that not exercising in a while = tired a lot first day or two but still…ripping my thigh muscles >_> which is apparently common…is..like..wow and why? *sigh* I don’t want to use this as an excuse to not exercise but…boooo.

Whatup

10 Apr

I wonder if there is something wrong with me…never being able to focus on one thing. Well…I have been able to do it sort of. Got a few..job offers from places i never applied to. Mostly insurance, bankers, sales, so…meh. I have yet to put the call back to the interact for teaching in japan. Didn’t get into jet so i panicked, got depressed and eventually finished my interact app several days ago. Suppose to call them back on Mon but my net went out so i couldn’t get their number. The thing is…if I do call them back, and then interviewed, and then miraculously get a job…how am I suppose to afford it? The flight tickets, the first month living without pay in a foreign country, business attire..etc. The closest thing i have to business attire are dress shirts and  a blazer/sports jacket..thing. I mean it looks nice but I don’t think it will fly. The easiest solution to all of this is to get a part time job but I am unsure if I can get one and if I can get out of one. You know, the tales of getting into a job that you don’t want but you need because it pays the bills. Anycase… spare time I have been scripting for a game using Ren’py. I…am almost done with it. Just need two more events and an ending. Then i need to draw (using a mouse cause…i don’t have fancy tablet or scanner). I started this when i found out march was unofficial official visual novel month. like 7 days before march ended. Took me like 2-3 days to get a drawing program and get ren’py. Slow net. Also to learn how to do…anything. I got half way through the script when April hit then I was like meh, might as well as atake my time. And here we are. Pretty sure its like blah but I like what I have accomplished. Net died yesterday…it happens since the area i live is boondocks, our closest feature is the freeway. I have been having this pinging pain in the right backside of my skull and pain in my right ear all day. Since some time last night. I googled and it seems nonlethal…anyays….if something does happen, sorry to all my friends that i cut contact with since i graduated. Went through extended lifecrisis coupled with depression and social withdrawal. And sister, if you’re reading this, tell my love I’m sorry and I tried.

In truth, its probably nothing. And no one reads this anyways. But I just…want somewhere to have my last words or like will. Everything to my sis, whether she wants it or not 🙂

Will post someday later.

bb