Archive | January, 2013


29 Jan

I…am a slacker.

A shut-in.

As previously written…graduated. Directionless. Semi-depressed. Blank.
Anyways, my net is terrible. Got it fixed recently after…a month? of nonsense. I feel terrible for my mother having to put up with this slacker. But…I don’t know this town. i don’t know this place. I’ve no hometown. I wish it were like drama, manga, anime, where you can walk around and voila, places, people, locations, shops, memories, atmosphere, safe. But this here be the boondocks. I haven’t lived here (in both literal and aesthetically speaking) until I graduated. Didn’t get a dream nor a dream job nor a job. And well…here. Although I have slight suicidal/emotional tendencies, I get myself up via “the future is there! one step at a time!” Also, my girlfriend would be heart broken. I know, it seems crazy/weird that a shut-in like moi, would have a wonderful girl like her. But…its because we’re experienced. We’re less idealistic. less fantasy. We both know about realism and materialism. For that, i may never express enough of my gratitude for her. She is…wonderful. I may only imagine how it would be with my ex-…so much drama. This isn’t Disney. This is reality. More than anything, I want to be able to be with the woman I love. But alas, I won’t find a job simply out of the blue. Work work work. resume sending. Been doing it…have to do more.

Anyways! I know, depressing, but..that’s it from my view. Growing older soon >w<

I was organizing my manga during one instance of no net and I reread some favs. I then checked baka-updates on one particular series and got really huffed up at some idiots’ bigotry! “Oh nooo they’re dysfunctional” (I think I stated that better than the original post..) Well…that is a ill-thought opinion as the manga was portrayed with a sense of realism. What was that quote…the real is uncanny compared to the fantastical? What is real may seem so bizarre that it becomes unbelievable. People have crap happen in their life. And that helps shape them. 😀 I know, lack of elegance but pretty straight forward.

But the whole “RAWR ARGUH” moment made me think of my own crap in the past.
And since I love Utada Hikaru, I put songs to my most significant events ….which is LOVE.

My first crush: First Love (Of course)
My ex-: Apples and Cinnamon (mmhmm…I don’t know if I should admit it or not but I still love her. It..just is. More in a bit)
Current: ….tbd


I feel that love ….I may have stated before but if thats the case, than stating it again will only mean that I believe in it more :). Anyways, I feel that once you love someone, unless something very negative happen (even then..such as cheating) you will still love them. Its stupid. It hurts relentlessly. But for me, love is forever. I will always love my first crush. I will always love my ex- and I will always love the woman that makes each day worth waking up for. (Boy! that sounds emotional >w<) But I do. I’ve been hurt lots. i’ve cried lots. But I will always fondly love them because…even if I may not recall any specific happy moments, there was a time that we were happy. I was happy. Since its “I love you” I’m selfish. In any case… I wonder how she is doing? Probably better than le moi (I’m a shut-in u_u) but still. Although, if I ever face her…I keep thinking that I’ll turn scarlet with anger. Things…didn’t end in a happy note. (I don’t think they can. Unless its super mutal…which is like…abysmally  slim). Last things she said to me was that she wished for closure.
The hell is that 😀 ???? Fact?= I broke it off. Reason?= A lot. But pretty much as Apples and Cinnamon…she fell out of love. She didn’t trust me. Wouldn’t communicate with me. Didn’t enjoy my company. Only thing I was worth to her was a body and the status of a relationship. The trust and communicate thing were her literal words yet she didn’t want to end it. But I insisted again. It has happened so many times that that time…had to be the last. 

MMmm…I’m tired. No more write. Only cry and sleep because memories ya know. I know I shouldn’t think of her but…it was a really long time. And I’m still young. So i can be naive and stupid every now and then.


Nobody reads this anyways. BB