Archive | June, 2012

I feel like…

29 Jun

I feel like… Kafka’s Metamorphosis,
Changing and changing but into nothing of significance.

I feel like… The Magic Chalk man of Japanese Lore,
Creating worlds and bounds of imagination, only to be nothing in the end and disappear.

I feel like… Echo, from the Greek Mythos of Lore,
Loving and loved but faded with naught but sound.

To Much Ado About Nothing…
I have deactivated my Facebook Account.

I’m not dead and will not die,
but I am dying or is this living?

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Well! That was my “poetic” bit >x< at least, I felt that it was poetic. But yes..real life is just too much stress.
Graduated= lost. No proper resume or direction. I got a degree but what now mother? What good is a degree if I do not know what to do or where to go? I do not have stellar grades. I do not have ample experience. Although I dabbled in various fields, I mastered none. I wish not to go back home and wither away. I love you mother, but I simply can not stay! Yet…a job. I need a job. But where and how? Not just any job mind you, but a career. A…mean of gaining social status of being “prosperous” or “living a decent life”. I wish not for boundless wealth (though that would be nice), just a home and to be able to live with the person I love. Work the days, live the nights. Although she may be in Japan, I too wish to be with her in the future. I wish for naught though as my field is not in “demand” and I am not “experienced”. I will try, I have to. But…empty words fall on death ears. I simply can not get motivated. I am wasting away and I know this yet…I am not motivated. I am beyond motivation! It is pathetic to know you are doomed and yet, you do nothing even if you want to. What is this… dilemma? Is it a mental block? Or am I simply too ambivalent and lethargic? Sometimes, I wish for a disease or a condition. Anything, no matter how bad, to able to have an excuse or reasoning (subjectively speaking) to explain my current behavior and state. I pray…tomorrow, that I get my “act” together.

NRTA
El Psy Congroo.

PS: Draven out! 

What is…

21 Jun

What is love?

 

etc..

HONESLTY! I wrote soooooo much more!! Like pages worth! But nooooooooooooooooooooo had to fucking press ctrl+r instead of t!!! (It’s in the dark…) SO whoosh! All gone.

Only thing I wanna say is… when does love start and when does it end?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owWjyrq-CYQ

And..do you have to say I love you back to someone if they say it to you…even if you’re in a relationship with that person? If you do…why? It’s like saying ya gotta be lady-like…why do you?

That’s all. (Still mad about losing everything!)

NRTA
El Psy Congroo. 

Wow…

20 Jun

WOW. What a bitch! (I would say son of a bitch but I like his mother). I mean, I seriously dislike/trust that new girl. Well.. not new. She’s his ex-now fuck buddy. I mean, I know I sound jealous but no, we’re platonic. It’s just, I have been waiting all-fucking-day (not like I have much to do…) to go watch the movies. And he comes home, on the phone, and seems to be upset. And then I get good news that I passed all of my classes but I couldn’t exactly explode happy shiny on an upset person could I? ._. So I  waited and contemplated for a bit and then told him…got brushed off. AND then that girl comes over and was like “Hey! Ready to see Prometheus? And oh hey, you (me) wanna come to?” I’m like…. o_o … -_-  no thanks. And they just leave. FUCKING HELL. Seriously? I feel stabbed, betrayed or whatever.

what the actual fuck?

13 Jun

SO! Finals week. In fact, tomorrow, I have not one…but TWO finals back to back! I know that I should’ve studied a lot more earlier but…stuff happens. Well, being lazy. Either way, I’m trying…well…the best that I can call “trying” to study/work but NO. GOD FUCKING NO. My roommate brings over their fuckbuddy (Yeah, seriously, she was his ex-girlfriend two years back) apparently they’re in the same class or w/e. And this was at 5? It’s…3am and guess what?! They haven’t studied! They just…talk/watch movies/etc in the living room. You know, that “couple/cuddle” atmosphere but in the fucking living room and they’re not even a couple. During Finals week. I honestly wish I have a laptop instead so I can LEAVE for peace and quiet but NOPE. Clunky-ass PC all the way! Thank you mother! (Honestly, I thank her for actually paying for it but her bias against laptops ruin my social life…) SO. I’m stuck in my room with that chirpy/hyper/loose moral woman in the living room. Oh, did I mention that she is LOUD? I’m in my room with the door closed and I can hear every word she says…well…say loudly. And that laugh…my god. I can’t concentrate and I can’t exactly go out and say “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT BECAUSE IT’S 3 FUCKING AM AND I HAVE FINALS TO STUDY FOR” because guess what? She’s my roommate’s fuck/study/ex-girlfriend buddy and that would be rude of me and etc. You know, my roommate came in two hours earlier asking me if I wanted to go break into the rec pool w/him and her. For serious? I have 2 finals, revise final paper, and a final project to work on and I am having a horrible time concentrating due to lack of sleep, malnutrition, dehydration (no AC and my room is particularly hot and it’s hard to go get a glass of water because of the cuddle camp in the living room. No seriously, I tried once and tripped over their electricity cord for the speakers and messed up their movie. Oh, that’s right, they’re just starting another movie after coming back from the rec pool) andddd i’m stressing over all this crap. And apparently I should’ve gone swimming instead of being a loser. Of course, when I take a LoL break my roommate comes back and scoffs at me. I know I haven’t been the best worker but I am trying. 

Fuck.

I just want to sleep because those two finals are back to back.

But the paper.

I can do the project in the morning, almost done.

But the studying 😦

*sigh* it’s just so fucking hot and empty headed right now…

 

PS: When they asked me about the movie and I was trying to reply about how busy I am, they just ignored me and walked away. Not actually even listening to me. I know that I’m flaky and make up a lot of excuses but I have NEVER EVER dissed someone. I have been nice and courteous. At least I think I am to the point where I am proud of it. But it just makes me want to cry. I mean, I try, no. Rather, I just…being nice. But no one believes or cares long enough to hear what I have to say. It’s just excuses to them. So WHAT if they are? What if I don’t want to drink or go party or whatever. What if I want to do my own things. I don’t know why you people, with your words and tones, have to make me feel bad and guilty for doing what I want to do? I don’t know if it’s this or the stress but I’m crying…so that’s going to affect my productivity…haha..

 

No One Reads This Anyways.

 

-El Psy Congroo.